In the midst of tough times

I just found out I got a not so stellar grade on an exam that I felt like I had done otherwise well on.  And so even though yesterday I was reminding myself that I am more than vet school, I am more than a grade on a paper, the news of a bad grade still has a way of making me feel like a failure.  In times like these I wonder if I ever should have gone to veterinary school, if I should have ever been accepted, what were they thinking letting me in this place with these other people that are obviously doing way better than I am?

This is often my inner voice and it is NOT OKAY.  For thirty-two years I have been developing an inner voice that berates myself when I do something less than perfect, less than I expect and others expect of me.  I've had some experiences along my life that reinforced this inner dialogue.  Those people that provided those experiences left me scarred, but I can no longer blame them for the continued damage I allow those scars to cause.  Which is why I write today.  I have another exam tomorrow, and my inner voice needs to be one of compassion, encouragement, and strength.  My inner voice needs to say right now, "You got this.  Keep studying.  Don't give up because tomorrow is another day."

So, instead of beating myself up right now, I'm making a cup of fresh coffee.  I'm setting up my desk to continue reviewing neurology and preparing for my exam tomorrow.  I'm finding silly but motivating quotes and realizing that my inner voice has been wronged, she has been feeding from a place of fear.  This is not the end of my story and I cannot be limited by my self-doubts and self-insecurities.  Now I'm going to go back, re-read that first picture of this post, take a sip of coffee, and think about what my inner voice would tell me if she was coming from a place of love, self-confidence, and bravery.  I have a feeling I'm going to like what she says.